


What a Catastrophe

by EarthToQuinne



Category: All Time Low (Band), Bandom
Genre: Alex is lonely and antisocial, And Jack is an oblivious twink, Awkward Flirting, Fluff, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Neighbors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 20:22:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17732036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthToQuinne/pseuds/EarthToQuinne
Summary: The one in which Alex is stalked by a stray cat and his cute neighbor won't leave him alone.





	What a Catastrophe

As Alex walked down the empty street, the world buzzed around him in a thousand shades of gray. Though the city teemed with life around him, all of the colors blurred and faded, insignificant details that somehow still seemed to swallow him. The sea of color and sound that surrounded him may have appeared exciting to most, maybe even beautiful, but like an old photograph, the zeal of the city he reluctantly called home had faded with time. The sun blazing radiant, peeking behind the tops of the towering buildings held no appeal to him, and invoked little emotion, save for the unrelenting reminder of how small he really was.

On the short journey back to his apartment, he decided to study the cracks in the sidewalk, finding a distraction in the crumbling cement, wishing that he could open up the earth and fall through them. Making pictures out of the brokenness in his head was a welcome diversion from his troubling thoughts and encroaching fatigue. As he continued to walk, a chilly mid-September breeze picked up and rustled the papers he had brought home to revise over the weekend. The last thing he wanted to do was to spend his few days of escape doing more work, but from the moment he had gotten his job, it had managed to bleed over into every other aspect of his life, so this was another routine he had grown used to.

As he neared his apartment door, he fumbled through his pockets, searching for his keys. His eyes were already starting to droop, his hair hanging low over his forehead, getting in the way of his vision, and his motions were slow and weighted with fatigue. His tie hung loose and sloppy from his collar, and he barely had enough energy to get himself through the doorway. His fingers stumbled over his keys, metal hitting metal and echoing through the vast emptiness of the hallway. His apartment was always quiet, even on weekends, and usually, that was something that bothered him, but right now, it was downright blissful thinking about how well he was going to sleep once he eventually managed to get himself inside.

He finally had connected the proper key with the lock, and was turning it slowly, listening to gears click out of place, and fantasizing about his nice, warm bed, when he heard it- a high pitched noise, almost like a growl. No... a meow.

He almost asked himself why there would possibly be a cat in his apartment, blaming the supposed noise on his drowsiness, when he remembered. And maybe he would've allowed himself to slip under more delusions for he was almost too tired to function properly until he opened his door and his half-awake eyes widened in absolute horror.

His apartment looked as if it had been ransacked.

The potted plant he had sitting on the kitchen table had been knocked over, dirt covered the wooden surface, and the uprooted ivy plant was lying in the middle of the mess. The pile of old newspapers that he had been keeping in a bundle with the intention of bringing them down to the recycling had been ripped apart and strewn across the floor. The living room was even worse- his couch had claw marks carved into the side, the floor was covered with stuffing and down, and the cases of the destroyed pillows were lying on the ground, on top of the blanket of feathers.

And on the top of the couch, surveying him smugly, was the cat.

Alex's eyes were bugging out of his head as he walked into his apartment, the vein in his forehead pulsing as his hands traveled up to his temples. He walked inside the door, trying to shut it as calmly as he could without slamming it. Rage bubbled inside him as he told himself to breathe and removed his shoes, feet aching after a long day that inevitably had just gotten longer.

As he sat his bag and keys on the counter, away from the carnage, Alex's eyes locked with that of the demon's. They glinted evilly, full of knowledge and total awareness of what they had done. The cat looked at him smugly, as if questioning why Alex dared to enter his domain. The godforsaken animal had only been living in his apartment for three days and already it was acting as if it owned the place.

Alex glared right back at the cat and snorted, stepping forward to go and survey the disaster more closely, sloshing right through a puddle produced by an overturned water dish meant for the animal. Alex let out an audible sigh as he leaned against the counter to take off his now soaked socks, shifting his annoyed gaze up to the cat again who was now sauntering over to the carcass of one of the pillows that he had brutally murdered. The man frowned as he watched the cat start to claw the already destroyed item of upholstery, the two of them locking eyes as the cat continued to destroy Alex's property behind repair.

He stifled the urge to scream and decided not to humor the beast any further as he turned to the broom closet. He pulled out a broom and a vacuum and decided to start with the kitchen, since it would probably take less time. As he cleaned, he thought about the stupid cat and why he had even bothered bringing him home in the first place.

Alex lived in downtown Baltimore, his apartment located near one of the busiest intersections in the city. So he often found himself walking or biking to work, since the publishing company that he worked at was only a few blocks away, and walking was not only a better alternative than getting stuck in traffic, it was also very calming. Those walks back and forth to home and work were a brief escape for him, a short expanse of time where he didn't have to think about bills, work, or all of his other anxieties, he could just simply get lost in the motions, letting all feeling be numbed and swallowed by the noise around him, a comforting sort of chaos.

The day that he had first encountered the creature, he had woken up late from a nightmare. It hadn't been that terrifying of a dream in itself, but he had still woken up shaking, his body covered with a sheen of sweat. In the dream, he had been sitting in a white room that held nothing but a desk, and he wasn't looking out at the room in the dream, he was looking at himself. The dream image of himself was hunched over a desk, scribbling on papers, reading through manuscripts- flipping and scribbling over and over. The motions were endless, a brief moment of writing, followed by a flip of the page- over and over, and over- never seeming to end.

After what had felt like days watching this endless repetition, Alex walked over to the desk, trying to scream at himself to stop, but the motions just kept going, one after another, never stopping. His shouting seemed to be swallowed by the infinite white that surrounded them, the quiet of the void deafening, save for the occasional clicking of the pen and the turning of the page.

He slowly approached himself, hunched over in the chair, still working endlessly, and he spun it around, wanting nothing more than to grab the attention of the shell of a man complacently sitting still, and to cease the monotony of his work. But as the chair spun that ghastly mirror of himself slumped over even farther and onto the ground, causing Alex to realize that this man wasn't even alive- he was shriveled corpse, his face sunken in, hands curled up, hair clinging to a hollow skull like wisps of corn silk.

Alex had screamed so loud that he felt his eardrums burst and he woke up with a start, then laid back on his pillows, willing his heart to stop running marathons in his chest, and closed his eyes as reality brought him back. After he had managed to calm himself down, he realized that he had slept in past his alarm and rushed out the door, shirt half tucked and sloppily buttoned, hair unkempt, and mind slowly but surely unraveling.

As he rushed along the sidewalk, cutting through the park that ran in between his apartment and his office, Alex heard the sounds of an animal behind him. At first, it was quiet and almost bearable, but the longer he jogged, the louder it got. The meowing was almost as incessant and unrelenting as the noises in his dream as he rounded the last corner and saw his office come into view. As he was arriving at the front door, he had felt the soft fur of the animal brush against his leg, and shied it away from him before heading into the place that fueled almost all of his anxieties and nightmares.

His day was as long and exhausting as he had expected it to be, and that evening as he had been walking home, he had all but forgotten about the animal that had pestered him earlier that morning. But as soon as he stepped out the door, he heard the unmistakable sound of meowing. It was loud and distinct, a whine that scarily resembled the voice of a human. He recognized it immediately and looked down at his feet to see the brown striped cat looking up at him with large, green eyes.

He would've let himself ponder why the cat had sat and waited for him all day, but he was too heavy with sleep and anxiety to even bother worrying about it. He reasoned that if he ignored the animal long enough, eventually it would just go away. So that night, he walked home being followed by a cat. The next morning he figured there was no possible way that it could've waited outside his complex all night, but sure enough, when he stepped out the door that morning, there it was, sitting in an empty flower pot.

It followed him again that morning, and then when he went home, it followed him back. As the weeks started to roll on, his plan seemed to be proving futile and he needed to think up a new one because the incessant meowing during what was supposed to be one of his brief escapes was really starting to grate on his nerves. He tried everything from yelling, shooing, shouting, bribing- even threatening, but nothing worked. No matter how much he tried to shake the animal, it simply followed him even more aggressively than before, waiting with him at stoplights, trying to get inside his apartment, even sitting outside his office window and clawing on the screen.

This went on for a few weeks until his coworkers and his neighbors started to complain and he had no choice but to either take the cat in or bring to a shelter. And though he wasn't very fond of animals, he was growing kind of attached to the thing- in an overly annoyed, "You're kind of cute so that overshadows that fact that I want to murder you" sort of way. There was something in the little guy's green eyes that had spoken to Alex. So in a moment of extreme weakness, he had decided not to bring him in to a shelter- but only until he could find him a proper home.

After taking the cat to the vet, getting it tested for diseases and given the appropriate shots, Alex had brought him home. He didn't really know much about cats, in fact, he didn't even like cats, but he had looked into the little puffball's eyes and he couldn't resist bringing him home. Even though it was just a cat, Alex couldn't help but feel a little less lonely after a few days of having the little guy around.  
Looking back on it now, he couldn't shake the feeling that the cat had somehow manipulated him.

As he swept up the last of the newspaper, he ran a hand over his chin, bidding a farewell to his sanity as he concluded that living alone was finally driving him insane- which was a whole other reason as to why he had brought the furry demon into his house in the first place. His tiny apartment had been starting to grow far too big for him all on his own and despite how much of a hassle the animal was already proving to be, he was grateful for a little company.

After the kitchen was clean, Alex plugged in the vacuum and started rolling it into the living room. The cat watched him with wide eyes as he turned on the machine, the smug look gone, replaced with one of fear. The cat rose from it's place on the floor, back arched, the hairs on it's spine standing on end. Alex laughed when the machine roared to life and the cat bolted out of the room and into the bathroom.

It took him another forty five minutes to clean the living room, his body aching for sleep as he sucked up mounds of feathers with the vacuum. Time seeming to stretch on longer than it should've.

Once the mess was cleaned up, Alex felt exhaustion taking him over, and passed out on the couch in his dress shirt and work pants. His body succumbed to sleep the moment his head hit the cushion and he sunk into that same dream, of the empty room, the clicking, and the horrifying corpse.

He woke up panting again, that terrible panic still clutching onto him, until the lull of sleep started to fade and he realized that it was simply a nightmare. He was also broken from his daze by something tickling his chin, and sleep-crusted eyes opened to see a pair of big green ones looking at him. He was about to shoo the thing off him when it settled into his chest, looking at him stubbornly and claiming the spot as his own. The man narrowed his eyes, deciding whether he felt like getting mauled to death that morning, and grumpily gave in. He ran a hand over the cat's head, rolling his eyes as it started to purr.

"You know, I really shouldn't be rewarding you for destroying my apartment, you demon. If anything, I should toss you back out on the street, make you find another sucker to follow around and take you home," he said, even though the cat continued to purr, either blissfully unaware or simply ignoring his words. And since this was a cat, it was most likely the latter.

He lay there trapped for at least twenty more minutes, both laziness and the cat on his chest preventing him from getting up, until there was a knock on his door. Sighing he looked at the cat again, whose head had turned around lazily to inspect the noise, and then went back to being conceited as Alex rolled his eyes even more.

Alex grabbed the animal from his chest, making it meow loudly in protest, and sat up, setting the animal down on the cushion beside him as he went to answer the door. He undid the lock and opened it slowly, mentally preparing himself for whoever was behind it. Usually no one came to visit him, his neighbors mostly kept to themselves, and the only person who ever came to see him was the pizza guy, who had delivered so much takeout to him that they now knew each other on a first name basis. His social life was virtually non-existent because he was constantly working at a job that left no time for anything but hating said job, and the only friends he had were his mother, Travis (the pizza guy), and now... the cat.

Alex didn't mind it very much, though- it was peaceful being on his own. It was easy, quiet.... And also extremely lonely, a fact that he repressed along with every other troubling and comfortable thought that he had. It's not that he wasn't capable of dealing with his problems, he simply ignored them out of the fear of finally reaching his breaking point and falling into some sort of quarter-life crisis.

Opening the door, brushing the sleep out of his eyes in the sorry attempt to not look like a zombie, Alex realized that he was, in fact, being visited by one his neighbors- and probably the last person he ever wanted to see. As the door opened, Alex was greeted with a loud "Good morning!" by a high pitched voice that, though it grated on his nerves, was actually kind of endearing. The voice belonged to the man who lived across the hall from Alex, a college student named Jack, who was probably the loudest person in this building, and the loudest person that Alex had ever met. Not just in how he spoke, but in how he was. His personality was one that filled up a room and refused to leave- which was pretty fitting because Alex could never make Jack go away. It seemed like the more he dropped hints that he just wanted to be left alone, the more Jack persisted in pestering him. He was like an eager puppy and he had the big, sad, brown eyes to boot.

"Good morning, Jack" Alex said grumpily, crossing his arms as he waited for the boy to tell him what he wanted so he could go about his morning in peace. With the remark, Jack's bushy eyebrows drew together in confusion, making his big brown eyes seem even bigger.

"Did I wake you or something? Because if I did I'm really sorry. I can uh... come back later if you want, I just wanted to bring you..." he trailed off in the middle of his long winded sentence, as if pausing to take a breath, until Alex followed Jack's eyes to the work shirt that he had unbuttoned after coming home night before, where his slightly toned muscles were all too visible.

Alex felt his cheeks go red, but ignored the gesture. "It's alright, I was already awake. Um what was it you wanted to give me?" he asked, looking away and feeling like he wanted to fall through the floor right then.

Jack's eyes quickly moved to his face again and he smiled nervously, as if to cover up the awkward tension that was growing between them. His hands moved to his back pocket, where he removed a handful of envelopes. "They mixed up our mail again, I thought I'd bring it over," he said apologetically. They had this exchange often because the woman who delivered the mail often got them confused. They lived right next to each other, so their apartment numbers were only a digit apart and easy to forget. So sometimes Jack got Alex's mail, and vice versa. It was a simple human error that Alex completely understood, but he really wished that it would stop so Jack didn't have an excuse to come and pound on his door every few days.

"Oh, uh thanks," Alex replied, trying to mask his annoyed tone with the semblance of something grateful. As he went to retrieve his mail, their fingers brushed, and he did his best to ignore the flutter in his stomach at that simple feeling. He flipped through his postage, seeing nothing but bills and one letter from his mother, who was a very old fashioned woman when it came to communication. She didn't own a phone and lived on the far side of the city, so she wrote to him every week. Some people probably thought it was weird, but he was really close to his mom, and her letters were always detailed and interesting, telling him all about the job she had at the clinic working as a nurse, and the silly things his father said and did. He always looked forward to her letters- they made him feel less alone, though they also made him a little homesick.

Jack shifted awkwardly on his feet as Alex flipped through his mail, waiting a few minutes before responding after he realized that Alex probably wasn't going to say anything. "So uh did you get anything interesting?"

"Mostly just bills, I got a letter from my mom, though. She writes to me once a week. It's really sweet, actually," Alex replied, trying to make polite conversation but really wishing that the boy would just go.

"Really? I'm lucky if I get a call from my mom on my birthday. Where does she live?"

Alex simply frowned at the sad remark and responded to the question. "Yeah, we're pretty close. She lives on the other side of the city by Johns Hopkin's Hospital. She's a nurse there."

"Oh that's cool. Why does she write, though? Doesn't she have a phone or something?" he asked, curiously.

Alex smiled at the question, one that he answered often when he talked about his mother's letters. "She says that she wants to 'keep the written form of communication alive' or something like that. But I'm pretty sure it's because she doesn't know how to work a smart phone. Regardless though, it's nice to be able to talk to her since we're both so busy all the time. Another perk is that she'll probably be the one to keep the Postal Service from going out of business," Alex joked, making Jack grin. His stomach did another flip and his face reddened, feeling like his thoughts were now showing in full display on his face.

"That's really sweet. I wish I had that good of a relationship with my mom," Jack disclosed, eyes falling to the floor as Alex tried to summon words that would prevent this conversation from dying an agonizingly awkward death, surprised at how much he kind of didn't want it to end. But thankfully, he didn't have to, because as he was searching for the right words, the cat walked over to the doorway and sat at Alex's feet, looking up at Jack curiously. Jack's eyes widened with childlike awe that made Alex smile. "I didn't know you had a cat! What's it's name?"

Alex resisted the urge to roll his eyes. It was just a stupid cat, nothing to get excited about. But he couldn't deny how cute Jack's reaction was. "I've only had him for a few days. He kept following me around and wouldn't leave me alone so I decided to bring him inside until I could find him a proper home. And he doesn't have a name yet. I don't even know if I'll have him long enough to name him," Alex explained, watching Jack's big brown eyes as he gazed at the animal lazily perched on Alex's feet.

"That's exactly how to get a man," he joked, leaning down to get a better look at the cat. Jack looked up at Alex, eyes wide and pleading as he asked. "Is it okay if I pet him?" The twenty year old looked about five then and Alex felt like his heart was melting, as he complied.

"Do you know if he has any owners looking for him?" Jack inquired as he ran his hand over the cat's head, making him purr.

"Well I took him to the vet to see if he was okay to bring inside, and they told me that he probably wasn't a house cat since he hadn't been declawed or anything and he didn't have a collar or tags. But because he was so calm and friendly they assumed that he was probably an outdoor cat that was simply used to being around people. I still put up some signs though, in case anyone was looking for him. But if I don't get any calls in a few weeks I might just sell him. I really don't want to send him to a shelter, but he's already made a lot of trouble for me," Alex explained, feeling the cat's purr as it tickled his toes.

"But he's so cute! What kind of trouble could he possibly be?" Jack asked, obviously already lured in by the demon's deceptive charms.

"Oh he's a monster, trust me. When I was at work yesterday, he knocked over a plant, tracked the dirt all over the floor, clawed up a pile of newspapers, knocked over his water dish, destroyed my pillows, and clawed up the side of the couch. He is all kinds of trouble," Alex replied defensively.

Jack looked up at him, still sitting on his haunches petting the cat, and frowned. "It's not his fault, he's used to being outside where he can go wherever he wants and claw whatever he pleases. You should've really gotten him a scratching post or something, to keep him from clawing up the furniture," Jack scolded.

Alex furrowed his eyebrows, frustration and anger bubbling in his gut. Jack quickly recognized his expression and smiled apologetically, straightening himself up so he was standing at his full height again. "I'm sorry, Alex, I didn't mean to sound like a jerk or anything. It's just that I had a lot of pets as a kid because I was sick all the time and missed school a lot. I know a lot about cats, especially. If you ever need any help, or if you don't think you can handle him, I'll be happy to take him off your hands," Jack said.

"Thanks, Jack. I really appreciate it, also, thanks for bringing me my mail," he murmured gratefully.

"Oh it's no problem, I'm happy to help," Jack cheerily said as he turned back into his apartment. "Also, he really needs a name, even if it's just for now. He looks like a Teddy to me. You know, 'cause he's brown like a teddy bear?" he called over his shoulder, grinning one of his goofy grins that made Alex feel far too much.

He looked down at the cat, and then back up at the retreating figure of the dark haired man and he wondered what exactly he had gotten himself into.

\---

The next day, after thinking over what Jack had said, and waking to more claw marks on the side of his kitchen table this time, Alex decided that he really needed to go to the pet store to find the proper items for this cat, even if it was just temporary. Besides, he didn't really think that feeding the little guy leftover pizza every night was necessarily healthy, and he could tell that the animal didn't take kindly to the makeshift bed that Alex had fashioned for him with a pile of old blankets and a cardboard box.

While he didn't really want to spend his Sunday morning in Petsmart, he knew that it was necessary. Even though work had him exhausted and wanting to sleep in all weekend, he knew that the pet store in his neighborhood only stayed open until noon on Sundays, so he begrudgingly pulled himself from the warmth of his bed, pulling on some clothes as Teddy, what Alex had reluctantly decided to call him, meowed loudly at the foot of his bed.

He didn't really want the cat sleeping with him in his room, but Teddy had bluntly rejected the box bed, and since he was still unfamiliar with the apartment and for some reason incredibly attached to Alex, the cat would paw at the door at night, meowing loudly until Alex let him in. So he had gotten into the habit of leaving his door open at night, knowing that the landlord would yell at him if he saw the cat had damaged the apartment.

After getting dressed, Alex turned on the coffee pot and looked for his wallet and keys as it brewed. Teddy jumped onto the table, staring at the machine as it rumbled and spat out steam. He leaped over to the counter to inspect it closer, cautiously sniffing it, before he decided that it was unworthy of his attention and went back to following Alex around. The man had just found his things, gotten his coffee poured, and was ready to head out the door when he heard the coughing sound.

He turned to Teddy, who was curled up on the floor, hacking violently. Unaware of what was happening, Alex panicked, silently cursing himself for assuming that it was okay to give cats pizza, totally thinking that he had already killed the animal after looking after it for four days. As the cat continued to make dreadful hacking noises at his feet, Alex rushed out of his apartment and into the hallway where he went and knocked frantically on Jack's door.

The boy answered the door, dark hair standing on end and brown eyes squinted and puffy with sleep. He was wearing Batman pajama pants and no shirt, which Alex would have found himself gawking over- and blatantly ignoring, if he wasn't freaking out so much. Jack smiled when he saw Alex, and was about to toss out a greeting when the older man interrupted him, his words tumbling out rushed and frantic.

"Jack, something's wrong with Teddy and I don't know what to do. And since you know so much about cats, I thought you could like help me or something I just... I'm scared," he said, desperately. Jack simply nodded in response and they both rushed over to Alex's open door.

Walking into the kitchen, the cat was still hacking, but it wasn't as bad as when Alex left, though he was still hunched over. Jack leaned down to look at the cat better and then, after closer inspection, started laughing. Alex furrowed his eyebrows and looked at him like he was insane, to which Jack just laughed even harder. Alex was about to yell at him for acting like a total jerk when his cat was spasming on the floor, probably dying or something when Teddy spat out a glob of something dark and wet on the tiles .

"Alex, he just had a hairball, it's okay," Jack said, grabbing a wad of paper towels and cleaning up the mess, still chuckling.

"Oh, well I... I feel like an idiot now," Alex admitted as his face flared red.

"It's okay, I reacted the same way when I had my first cat, too. Granted, I was eight at the time, but still," he chided, smiling, brown eyes glinting as he tossed the wad of towels in the trash. Alex watched him, yet lost himself in thought and felt a question weighing down the tip of his tongue. He was torn between fighting it down and giving in, when Jack's large eyes locked with his own and Alex knew he was a goner.

"So, I was going to head out to Petsmart to get some stuff for Teddy before all of this happened and since I uh... obviously know nothing about cats, I was wondering if maybe you could come with me?" Alex rambled, feeling all of his words come out in a rush as his heart pounded loudly in his ears as he silently kicked himself.

Jack wore a small smirk, one that he tried to keep to himself but failed miserably, as he nodded. "But is it okay if I go put on a shirt first?" he teased, walking towards the door. Alex almost found himself responding with a 'No' as his panic faded and his eyes trailed along the muscles of Jack's bare chest, leading down to the exposed skin of his prominent hip bones where the elastic hung crooked and loose, but he just quickly looked away and nodded far too eagerly.

While Jack was gone, Alex dug through the fridge to find some leftovers to give to the cat (though he was still a little skeptical given the incident that had just occurred). He placed a few chunks of chicken in a plastic dish, and filled up another with water, though he really didn't want to leave the cat alone in his apartment anymore. As he did these simple tasks, his mind wandered to Jack again, and he felt a conflict raging inside him. There was a part of him that couldn't stand the man, but there was a part of him that kept noting how cute and sweet and incredible he was. They were like an angel and a devil perched upon either of his shoulders, both trying to point him in conflicting directions at the same time, causing his head to spin.

Collecting his thoughts as he tried to push away the image of the boy's toned muscles and coy smile, Alex reasoned that he would spend the day with the younger man too see how it played out, taking things a step at a time.

After filling up the dishes, he turned to the cat with a stern look. "Now listen to me, you little demon, I am going out to get a crap ton of stuff for you. So if you destroy anymore furniture I will make you sleep in the bathroom," he warned as the cat ignored him and started nibbling on the chicken. Alex sighed and heard a laugh behind his back, spinning around to see that it belonged to his neighbor who was leaning against the wall, now clad with a t-shirt and Vans but still wearing his pajama pants.

"You know, I don't think he's going to listen to you. He's a cat, cats are like spoiled children," he teased and Alex pocketed his keys and his wallet.

"I'm learning that quickly actually. You know, if he keeps this up I am never going to want children." Jack just laughed and they headed out the door. They were both silent as they walked down the hallway and towards the exit. When they got there, they both went to open the door at the same time and their hands touched again, Jack's hand pressed on top of Alex's knuckles. Almost immediately, he pulled it away and stepped back to let the other man get the door, but Alex could help but imagine that Jack had hesitated slightly before moving his hand away.

The morning was cold and windy, chilling Alex to the bone, the sun shielding the clouds, the gray world nothing new to him. Quickly, they both tumbled into Alex's car, relishing in the heat that filled the vehicle as they pulled out of the lot. The ride to the store was short and quiet, neither of them attempting to start a conversation. It was the kind of tension and awkwardness that hung in the air like a thick fog, the kind that was felt when one had so much to say but didn't really know how to say it.

Thankfully, since it was an early Sunday morning, the traffic in downtown Baltimore wasn't as hectic as it usually was and didn't prolong the agonizing ride any longer than was necessary. When they arrived at the store, Jack's unusually quiet manner all but disappeared and was replaced with the rambling, overly excited man-child that Alex knew him to be. Jack led Alex into the store and grabbed a cart, pushing it around as Alex grabbed a sales flyer. They headed to the pet food isle first, since that was something that was needed for sure. The minute that he saw how many isles of pet food there were, Alex almost had a panic attack. There were so many of them it looked as if they were going to be here all day.

"Alex, it's okay, we only have to look at the cat food, they have stuff for tons of other animals, too," he explained, noticing Alex's expression, but still slightly annoying the older man. Jack didn't need to guide him around like a child, he was capable of doing things himself, Alex thought, stubbornly as he followed Jack down the cat food isle. He stood back and surveyed the brands of food, feeling a little overwhelmed at the variety, as Jack walked further down the row of shelves. Alex was about to put the cheapest brand he found into the cart when Jack came back holding a few small bags of food, each of a different brand. He studied the bag Alex had in his hands and violently shook his head, causing Alex to roll his eyes.

"You want to shop by brand, not price. Even though there's such a big variety, there's some brands that you need to stay away from. Most popular cat food companies use tons of preservatives, bi-products, and lack a lot of the vitamins that cats need to be healthy so you need to pay special attention to the labels. You also want to look really closely at the ingredients because a lot of brands of pet food-"

Jack continued to ramble on about meat content, carbohydrates, advertising, and tons of other things that Alex knew were extremely important and everything, but he got distracted by Jack's messy hair, tousled and splayed in all directions from sleep, the way that his eyebrows furrowed as he talked, the way that he ran a hand through his already messy hair as he was thinking, his eyes tired but still so vibrant and alert.

Alex kept staring at him, nodding and making apprehensive noises at all the right times so Jack thought that he was paying attention. He was actually being really obvious about it, and Jack caught on, pausing in his rant about mixing multiple brands of cat food to make sure that Teddy got the right amount of nutrients. Alex was completely oblivious, staring at Jack's eyes, trying to figure out what shade of brown they were, and missed the man's knowing smirk as he dropped the bags into the cart.

Quickly, Alex broke out of his trance, scolding himself yet again for being so school-girl-esque, as Jack turned the cart around and pushed it out of the food isle. Jack stood on the edge of it, feet on the bottom rack, riding it like a child would, using his foot to increase his speed, calling Alex's name. Alex just put the bag back on the shelf and followed Jack towards the pet toys, a mantra of thoughts such as " Oh my lord, he really needs to grow up," countered by "Oh my lord look at how cute he is," which left Alex unaware of the small grin that fell upon his lips as the younger mn almost toppled a display of cat toys and turned around bashfully, like a naughty child, grinning wanly. After a few minutes of his thoughts eating away at him, Alex finally went to follow Jack down in an isle stocked with every color, shape, and size of toy mouse available. Jack was holding two different packages, comparing them.

"Hey, Alex which ones do you think Teddy would like better? Purple mice with green dots or green mice with purple dots?" he asked teasingly, holding up the toys for Alex's inspection.

"Jack, he's a cat, I'd be surprised if he even knows what the color purple is," Alex chided, trying to hold back the heavy sarcasm in his tone

"You should give him more credit; cats are actually really smart. Did you know that a cat's brain is more similar to a human brain than it is to a dog's? And both humans and cats have identical regions in their brains that are responsible for emotions? I betcha didn't," he said with a smile, dropping the purple mice into the cart, even though Alex hadn't even confirmed that he wanted them. Alex continued to push the cart further down the isle, studying the brightly colorful toys and trying to decide which ones were worth wasting his money on, and furrowed his eyebrows at Jack's random outburst.

"Wait, how do you even know that?" Alex asked, somewhat skeptical.

"I know tons of things," he said confidently, puffing out his chest a little bit.

"Oh? Like what?" Alex said with a snort, quirking up an eyebrow, making Jack smile- an act that made his insides tangle and flutter, similar to the sensation of wanting to vomit- but possibly a little more disgusting in Alex's opinion.

"Well I know that cats don't have sweat glands all over their bodies like humans do, and instead, sweat only through their paws," he said nonchalantly, as if this was a normal topic of conversation to have with someone that you hardly knew.

"Seriously, how do you know these things? My mind is blown," Alex exclaimed as he eyed a plastic fishing rod with a little mouse on the end wearing a fish costume that was too adorable for him to not buy.

"Like I said, I know a lot about cats. Also, I had this huge book of cat facts as a kid that I studied like a Catholic would the Bible. I spent a lot of time at home and I wanted something interesting to waste my time," he explained, walking with his hands in his pockets beside Alex as they headed down another isle, this one full of pet grooming products.

"And here I thought you were just a natural beacon of feline knowledge," Alex remarked with a fake pout, getting lost in that giddy feeling as the silly banter came easily from his lips.

"But I am! Ask me more, boost my ego," Jack chided.

"Okay. Which type of shampoo do you think I should buy for Teddy? Magic Coat or Perfect Coat?" Jack studied the bottles carefully, grabbing them from Alex and reading the labels.

"Well cats are actually really good at keeping themselves clean, but it's really good to have a bottle of cat shampoo around in case of emergencies, you know? This stuff is really good," he said, holding up the bottle of Magic Coat, "because it doesn't have any dyes in the formula and also cleans, conditions, and deodorizes with no detergents to irritate eyes!"

Alex smirked and grabbed the bottle from him, scanning it. "You read that from the label, you dork," Alex remarked, then tossed the shampoo into the cart.

"But I read it so intelligently!" he exclaimed, raising his eyebrows goofily.

"Oh shut up," Alex teased, reveling in how good it felt to laugh again, a feeling that he had been deprived of for quite some time. It was the kind of laugh that filled him up, starting in his gut and traveling up like bubbles of champagne, leaving his head fuzzy and light.

Despite all of these pleasant feelings though, he couldn't quite decide if he was content or annoyed as he followed Jack around the store like a lost puppy while he threw random things in the cart he assumed that Alex needed with no regards to price, all the while spouting off his random cat trivia and slowly driving Alex mad with that teasing smile.

And while the last thing he had imagined doing when he woke up that morning was spending his day walking around a pet store with a man whom pushed his buttons in many more ways than one, he couldn't help but admit that Jack had undoubtedly made it a little more interesting.

\---

Two hours and $255.62 later, Alex and Jack were finally exiting the store, with Jack riding the cart down the parking lot and Alex crying internally over the bill that ate up most of what was supposed to be his grocery money for that week. This outcome was all Jack's doing, insisting that Teddy needed more than two sets of toys and picking out the most expensive cat food that the store had. As he started his car and Jack loaded up the trunk, Alex really hoped that Teddy appreciated all of this stuff in his own little cat way, because he was going to be stuck eating Ramen for the next week, and that stuff probably had more bi-products than the cat food he had originally wanted to buy.

After the back of his car was loaded with all of their purchases, Jack hopped into the driver's seat and shut the door behind him, warming his hands in front of the vent, then rubbed feeling back into his numb, coatless arms. Then he buckled his seat belt and Alex put the car into drive and pulled out of the parking lot, feeling a little more comfortable than he did a few hours ago.

"So, you said that you had a lot of pets because you were sick a lot when you were younger. What exactly were you sick with, if you don't mind me asking?" Alex asked carefully.

Jack played with his hands for a little while before he answered, as if contemplating whether he should tell him or not, but responded nonchalantly. "I had a lot of thyroid problems that started getting really bad when I was seven. I was really underweight, my muscles and neck were always extremely sore, I had an irregular heartbeat, and I also had insomnia for a while so I was always too exhausted to go to school. I was in and out of hospitals for a few years and it was really lonely," he started, gazing out the window and watching the gray world blur behind them as the first hints of rain started to fall and splat in jagged little blotches on the windshield.

"And since my parents didn't want to deal with a kid who was sick and depressed all the time, they bought me some fish. They were two little goldfish who lived in a fish bowl beside my bed, their names were Optimus and Nancy. Why, I gave them such ridiculous names, I'm not quite sure," he said with a laugh, "But I loved them a lot, even though the only thing they would do was swim around the bowl all day- over and over and over. I think it's because I related to them a little bit, in and out of the hospital almost three times a week, spending the rest of it at home, too tired to move, trying to catch up on my homework and my sleep. Some days were better than others and I would think that I was strong enough to actually go to school but then I would have to go home early because I would almost pass out on the playground. It was a cycle, and it never seemed to end," as he spoke, Alex watched him curiously, suddenly realizing that there was so much more to Jack that what he had originally thought.

"I guess watching those little fish chase circles around each other really comforted me because we were all in the same boat, you know? But yeah, because they were gold fish, eventually they died, and since my parents didn't want me getting sad, they bought me a turtle, but that was smelly and boring. Then they got me a dog but he liked my sister more than me. Then they got me a hamster but the dog ate her. And then, they got me a cat. His name was Louis and he was the same breed as Teddy- American Shorthair, if I'm not mistaken. He was my best friend and I loved him to death- way more than the stupid fish," Jack continued, punctuating his sentence with a small smile. "He would sleep in my bed with me and would always know when I was upset because he would curl up at my side and meow softly until I calmed down. He always ran to the door to meet me whenever I got home and would sit at the window when I was gone and wait for me to get back.

"I had to leave him with my parents when I left for college, though, because my dorm didn't allow cats. I'm graduating in a few months and I made sure to find an apartment that allowed pets when I was searching the 'vacancy' ads- but he uh... died last month," Jack said, with a small, bittersweet smile.

They pulled up to a stoplight just as Jack was finished speaking and Alex sat back in his seat, a little taken aback and wondering why Jack had trusted him enough to tell him all of this, but still flattered nonetheless. Jack shifted in his seat awkwardly, waiting for Alex to respond, afraid that he had overstepped his boundaries.

"I'm sorry for telling you my life's story, Alex. I just uh... thought it would explain why I'm such a nut when it comes to Teddy is all," he explained.

Alex checked for traffic and then turned onto an intersection, glancing over at Jack for the briefest moment. "No, it's perfectly okay. I like hearing what you have to say because I really like yo- your perspective on things. And I'm sorry about your cat," Alex almost felt himself slip up and bit his lip, hoping that Jack didn't notice, mentally slapping himself.

"Thanks, Alex, it really means a lot," Jack said with a grin as they passed a street full of small shops and office buildings. Alex debated whether he should attempt to initiate further conversation, debating whether it was worth it, or if he really cared that much, until he stopped again and got another good look at Jack, who was watching the rain drops fall in slow, lazy trails across the glass of the window, his dark eyes reflecting the gray word surrounding them, and Alex wanted to see the colors of his thoughts, to know all of things that kept him up at night, and the things that made him smile.

It was a feeling that was so strong, that for a moment, it overpowered the part of Alex that was trying to keep himself from feeling anything, from finding something more. What he wanted, what he needed, was just that, something, anything more than what he had now. So instead of settling for silence, he pressed on, not letting himself give in this time, even if it made little difference.

"Don't mention it. I don't think that you're a nut- you've been really helpful. All of this feline knowledge is going help keep me sane," Alex said after a few minutes of silence. "I've never actually had a cat before. I had a dog when I was younger, but he peed on my bed and I've kind of had this vendetta against animals ever since." He said it with a smile, but his cheeks were flaring red and he was cringing inwardly at how incredibly awkward he was.

Jack didn't seem to notice though, only laughing a little, but Alex was sure that he was laughing at him rather than with him. "Cats are a lot different than dogs though. Some people say that cats are all conceited and evil, but I think that they just have a different way of expressing their emotions. Where most dogs are wild and playful, cats are more subdued, more quiet, and a little harder to read. But that doesn't mean that they don't feel anything, you know? I think that cats are a lot like people. Maybe that's why I like them so much," Jack said, looking at Alex with a small smile that made the older man's face flush brighter than before, making him wonder if there was another meaning behind those words.

"Well I can definitely tell that you're a cat person. But I just think that animals hate me- scratch that, I think most living beings, furry or not, are just repelled by me," Alex admitted, trying to sound humorous, but seeing some truth in it, depressingly enough.

Jack shook his head seriously. "No, that's not true at all. Teddy adores you already. You have this connection, as weird as that sounds. And as for non furry creatures, I'm not sure that I really count, but I like you," he said with a smile in his voice that Alex could hear as he watched the windshield wipers flick back and forth across his vision.

Alex could swear that he was smiling all the way back to his apartment, and still smiling when Jack finally left- with the promise that if Alex ever needed any help or advice, all he had to do was knock. And his grin was still withstanding when he had managed to put all of his purchases in their proper places and was finally settling down on the couch, his head spinning as he mulled over Jack's words and wondered if his own slip of the tongue had really truly gone unnoticed.

\---

Over the next few weeks, Teddy was adjusting smoothly, playing with his toys, eating well, and being as goofy and mischievous as ever- yet no longer murdering the pillows. Though he'd found great pleasure in a new hobby- taking Alex's socks and hiding them. At first, it didn't bother him very much, but then he only had one pair that matched and had spent a whole night scouring his apartment trying to find the matches, but to no avail.

In that time, Jack was also showing up more and more, always with a new excuse. Often it was about Teddy, if he was adjusting to his food well, if he liked his new bed, if he was getting used to the apartment. Others it was about the mail, if Alex needed help scraping off his car windshield, if Alex had any extra sugar, anything and everything that could possibly be thought of, Jack used it as an excuse.

Before they had really started getting to know each other, this wasn't an uncommon occurrence, Jack stopping by to do a favor or to make small talk, but it had never been as frequent- and it had made Alex more irritated than anything. But now he was feeling something else entirely, a reluctant swarm of emotions, pleasant and nauseating all at once as Jack slowly but surely started becoming the highlight of his day. Each night, his stomach would fill with the nervous flutter of insects at the remembrance of the younger man who just so happened to get home around the same time as Alex every few nights, causing them to bump into each other and make casual conversation, interactions that Alex knew weren't all purely coincidental. Even so, he found his annoyance with Jack slipping away, along with his guard, as easy smiles and comfortable laughter started to take their place.

And even though he was still stuck in that final phase of denial, still set upon trying to keep to himself by not delving any further, Alex couldn't help but feel again like he wanted something more.

As the days wore on, even though he still knew that he was stuck in that old, drawn out, routine, his head was less clouded. It was a subtle shift, a minor detail that would usually have gone unnoticed if it hadn't been so drastic in contrast to what he usually felt. Alex was used to living inside his head, since it was a better alternative than being present in reality, which held out a bleak eternity, spent clicking pens and flipping pages, on a silver platter. Somehow though, taking care of Teddy and being around Jack helped him to bring him back to Earth. He still felt like he was swimming in circles, but the two of them, in their own little ways, made him feel as if his boring, lonely, little life now had some semblance of a purpose.

His recurring nightmare was also starting to lessen in its intensity, only arriving on nights when he fell asleep, stressed and exhausted from a long day at work. Even then, it's effects had also started to lessen, his mind becoming more and more aware of the dream, and forcing himself to wake up before he had a chance to reveal the true nature of the man at the desk. Recently, those troubling images were slowly but surely being replaced by scenes of a dark haired boy with chocolate eyes.

Now that he actually had the small beginnings of a social life, he also had things to fill up the pages when he was writing to his mother. Before he would struggle to find the words to reassure her that he was doing okay, but now he had things to share; now he had stories worth telling. He told her of the strange cat that followed him home every day and of how he had taken him in, partly out of pity, and partly out of loneliness, and how it had helped spark the interest of the neighbor, Jack, who came on a little strong when they first met but was really starting to connect with him.

He told of the silly conversations that he had with Jack, the trouble that Teddy made, and of his tiny little life in his tiny little apartment, and how it all made him feel so big for the first time in a while. He was starting to remember what it felt like when he was in high school, so alive and full of ambition, waking up to every day as if it were a blessing rather than a forced sentence. For the first time in a while, things were finally starting to make sense.

But one thing that Alex couldn't really quite make sense of was Jack. He was so happy and perky all the time, so fun-loving and so open about everything. He was a really genuine, easygoing guy- which only made it harder to comprehend why he wouldn't just come right out and say it. Alex was fairly certain of the feelings that they had for each other. He had tried to deny his own for months now, forcing himself to believe that his sweet neighbor was an overbearing nuisance. And while he wasn't completely convinced that those things weren't true, at least he was acknowledging that he was incredibly attracted to the boy's exhausting, but admittedly infectious personality, right?

He wanted him to stop making excuses, to just come out and say that the reason why he'd been around so much was not because he really thought that Alex needed help with his groceries, or scraping off his windshield, or emptying his garbage. He wanted him to say that he used all of those things as a ploy to get close to Alex. And while it was sweet, in a maddeningly cliché sort of way, Alex was tired of living an in-between life. He lived in between happiness and sadness, between giving up on everything that wore him down and staying inside that cycle because it was the only thing was certain. He was tired of waking up and reliving his recurring nightmare- of sitting complacent in a life of endless repetition just to rot away into an empty husk. And he was tired of putting half of his heart into everything and still having the guts to call it living.

So that's how he ended up at Jack's door on a Friday night, work clothes shed and dressed in jeans and a jacket, holding a six pack of Arizona and a party bag of candy that he had been saving for Halloween. He had hesitated before knocking, never having been inside Jack's apartment before. All of their exchanges had been at each other's doors, with a few meager steps inside them, never bothering or anything to go any further.

But Alex was tired of not knowing who Jack really was. He was tired of getting peeks inside but never seeing the whole interior- he was tired with standing outside. So after ten minutes of hesitating, he knocked. Almost immediately Jack answered the door, leaning in the doorway and wearing his usual grin.

"Hey, Alex! What's up?" he asked, nonchalantly glancing down at all of the sugar Alex was holding, trying to hold back his childlike tendencies.

Alex just smiled and moved closer to the door, trying to keep his face clam and relax his nerves. "Is it okay if I uh... come in?"

Jack's eyes widened a little and Alex swore that he saw the man's face get a little red, but he just covered it with a smile and nodded eagerly. "It might be a little messy, though," he added as he stepped aside to let Alex in.

'A little messy' was a vast understatement. The inside of Jack's apartment looked as if a thousand mischievous cats had used it as a playground. The small kitchen table was covered with papers, bowls, and boxes. The floor couldn't even be seen because of all the clothes, garbage, and miscellaneous items that covered it. The living room was just as bad, with juice cans, water bottles, and dishes covering almost every surface. The only clear spots were the space on the coffee table where Jack's Mac sat and the chair that he obviously spent all of his free time in. Alex was imagining just how disgusting Jack's bathroom could be when the younger man said his name motioning to the space on the couch that he had just cleared for him with one sweep of his arm.

They sat down next to each other on the couch, the TV turned onto some cartoon station and blaring over the quiet of the room. Alex tried not to be so disappointed the large space between them on the cushions.

"So I uh... I just wanted to come over and um hang out with you and stuff, since it's a Friday and all and you didn't seem to be throwing any parties or anything so er yeah," his words were hideously broken and unsure, feeding the awkward elephant in the room that sat between them. But Jack didn't seem to notice, he simply smiled and settled back in his spot, propping his feet up on the table.

"I'm really glad that you came over, though I was really up for a long night of watching 'The Powerpuff Girls' by myself," he joked, turning down the volume on the television.

"I brought food though, doesn't that count for something?" Alex asked, opening the bag of candy.

"How did you know that I liked Arizona? Are you like a mind reader or something?" he grinned, reaching for a can.

"I think you mentioned it a couple days ago. And I kind of figured with your thyroid and everything that alcohol or soda wouldn't be too good for you, so I came to a compromise."

"Wow that's... that's really thoughtful of you, Alex. Thank you," he said as he paused in his drinking, smiling into his can.

"It's no problem," he replied genuinely, looking up to meet Jack's eyes. "Really," he said this softly but with a conviction that made everything seem far too real. They were silent for the next few minutes, watching cartoons, eating candy, and stewing in the things that they were leaving unsaid. Alex felt like a kid on their first date, anxious and doe eyed, unsure of how or when to make the first move. He had done this many times, been on several dates and made several successful advances but this time... it was different. He didn't really know why, or how, but it just was.

There was something about how easy it all was, how easy it was to just relax, to take in life and forget about everything else around him when he was with Jack. It was a feeling that he had felt before, but it still so new to him. He would never get used to the feeling of safety, of being able to just let go of his worries and leave reality at the door. It was the simple sensation of just being, of lying back and letting the waves of life crash to shore as he sat anchored for that small moment.

That small sensation was enough to make him fearless, just for a second, and his hand moved across the space between them, slow and careful, as Jack sat unaware, quietly laughing as some ridiculous joke was made on screen. And then their hands were touching and Alex was sliding Jack's palm into his, exhaling sharply as his stomach filled with sparks. And he left his hand there, waiting for Jack to pull away, to leave him empty handed, literally and figuratively. Time seemed to slow down, cold molasses running down a mountain peak as his heart hammered against his chest.

Then he felt a shifting, warmth sliding away from his own, up and away and Jack pulled his hand from Alex's.

He felt his heart weigh heavy in his chest, as he settled back into the cold leather of the couch, eyes traveling to the television screen, but not really seeing anything. All of his hope was trampled and killed with a small gesture that said so much more than words could. Even in the silence he heard it, resounding loud and scraping violently against those vulnerable parts of him that just wanted to be wanted, this rejection burning far more than any of the others he had experienced. But he just smiled through the hurt, turning to Jack, a false apologetic air about him that he hoped was believable.

"I'm uh... sorry about that," Alex said softly, feeling as if his smile was pasted on his face, sloppy and fake, trying to hide the crumbling beneath it. Jack just mumbled something in response, appearing to be millions of miles away as Alex sat there, wondering what exactly he was supposed to do now. Wondering if it was worth it to stay, or if he should simply give up and go home. As he sat there, stiff and deliberating, the silence was maddening, broken only by the noise of the television. He almost expected Jack to say something, to apologize for being so abrasive, but he just sat there, staring head blankly as his eyes reflected the lights of the TV screen. "You know, I should really be going," Alex said awkwardly as he started to rise from the couch.

He was halfway across the room when he glanced back over his shoulder into the alcove of Jack's living room and saw a pair of scared eyes, unaware that their gaze was being returned, and begging him not to go.

But Alex was tired of living in between, and he didn't think he could handle waiting around outside any longer.

\---

He really did his best to try to forget, which surprisingly came easy to him. Letting himself get swallowed by his routines was something that he was used to, so when something like this came up- something that made him feel hurt, uncomfortable, or out of place - he simply pushed it away. Alex had become an expert at pushing away things that hurt, numbing them with habits and routine, dumbing down his feelings and killing his thoughts. Sometimes, such things were necessary to go on.

Even so on Friday morning, Alex woke up to the sun shining through his bedroom window, something unknown, fluttering like a songbird in his chest. He watched the cold October breeze spill through the crack of the window, making the curtains dance in the golden light, feeling content. Teddy meowed loudly from his own bed on the floor, as if somehow sensing that Alex was awake and jumped up onto the bed, meowing like crazy.

Once of the things that Jack had mentioned to him was that cats can be read like people, because some of them have distinct meows and body language for certain things. Like for example, the meow that Teddy was using right then told Alex that he had better get his lazy butt out of bed and feed him, otherwise the couch was going to suffer another rather unfortunate fate.

After pulling on clothes and filling up his food bowls, Alex headed out the door, unsure of what the day would bring, but feeling as if he would be strong enough to conquer it. The morning was bright and clear, the sky blue and cloudless, the first beams of sunlight shining radiantly through the fiery treetops, a collidescope of warm tones, dying beings shouting loudly to the world as they danced their last waltz in the cold breeze, freefalling in torrents to land softly and quietly upon the ground.

The world, and life, could be so beautiful sometimes. But it was rarely every acknowledged for it's wonder and it's miracles, for people found themselves so caught up in routines, in worrying, planning, and trying to stay afloat, that they forgot how amazing it felt to just lie on your back and let the waves take you exactly where you needed to be. Sometimes it took small reminders, small things to open one's eyes, to see that there was so much more to living than just trying to survive.

Even though it was terribly Hallmark of him, Alex couldn't help but think that it was fate that he had been running late that day and happened to catch the attention of the cat, which inevitably had lead him to Jack. And he wasn't about to start writing any poems about the color of the man's eyes or anything, but there was the potential for something between them, and it was the small things that made the biggest difference. That day, those small things were what got him through his routine, remembering all of things that made him happy, the things that he had to come home to, they made it worth the long days. Even if those things could easily be taken from him- he could see clearly again, and remember that the fragility of loss made the small things even more important.

After work that evening, Alex found himself taking his time walking home, letting himself become enveloped by the sea of color and motion, despite his urge to jog home sped on by his pent up energy. He couldn't help but feel like a giddy child, used to the routine of seeing Jack after he arrived home from a long day at work. But as he got closer to his apartment, reality hit him cold and sudden. Disappointment was hot in his throat and his hands were shaking wildly, as he tried to fight away the emotions that he couldn't quite sort and unlock the door with his trembling fingers.

Teddy was waiting by the door as Alex opened it slowly, and meowed at his feet once he was fully inside. He sounded genuinely concerned, making the man chuckle.

"You know, Ted, even though I only just started getting to know him, I really miss him. Maybe it's stupid to get so worked up over a guy but I just... I can't believe he let me down like this," Alex said, too distressed to care that he had now resorted to confiding in his cat. Regardless of if he understood anything that was being said or not, Teddy was a good listener.

"I've always been afraid of rejection, that's one of the biggest reasons why I keep to myself. It's easier to be on your own than to risk putting yourself out there only to get kicked down, right?" Teddy meowed understandingly and jumped up into Alex's lap, shifting himself around for a while until settling down and butting his head against Alex's hand, as if to say that he got it, in his own little way.

"Fear is always what holds me back- I'm afraid of letting myself be vulnerable, I'm afraid to get out of my zone of comfort. And maybe I'm keeping myself from living- going to work every day at a job that causes me to be weighted down by this onslaught of anxiety and hopelessness; shutting out the people that try to interact with me, staying in my apartment on weekends, hiding in my bedroom with the lights off so the neighbors don't know the real reason why I don't want to come to their parties; and Jack," Alex paused, continuing to pet Teddy's head as he rambled, feeling heat start to collect behind his eyes but blinking it away. "Ever since he moved in here I've been so enamored by him. His stupid hair, his stupid eyes, his stupid, charming, 'You'll-Never-Be-Able-To-Forget-Me-Even-If-You-Try' personality. I really tried not to admit my feelings for him, Ted. For months, I just pushed it away, like I do everything and even that didn't work.

"I keep to myself to keep from getting hurt, when I'm just hurting myself. And even then, I'm still going to get hurt, so none of it really matters does it? Why do I even try?" He felt himself unable to hold back the tears, reveling in his own misery, when Teddy meowed loudly. Alex rose his hung head to look at the animal, his cry louder and more distinct than it had ever been, even when Teddy was following Alex home every day. And even though it was naïve of him, Alex felt as if his cat was trying to tell him to stop throwing himself a pity party and suck it up- either that or he wanted more kibble. Honestly, both seemed pretty probable. The look the cat was giving him may have been the usual blank stare of silent judgment, or it may have been something else entirely.

"Screw guys though, right? I have you, you're the only guy I'll ever need," Alex said finally, brushing away the ghosts of tears from his skin and rising to fill up Teddy's food bowl- just in case. He would've laughed at how ridiculous he was being if he hadn't been so down right then. After filling up the bowl and returning to his place on the couch, Alex turned on the T.V., and flipped the channel to something violent and angry to help him forget about his rejection.

And Teddy sat on his lap after returning from the kitchen to inspect the bowl, the dry food inside of it lying untouched.

\---

Alex hadn't heard or seen from Jack in over two weeks, when Teddy went missing. He had gotten home from work to find that he hadn't fully shut his apartment door and went into full on panic mode when he couldn't find the cat anywhere in his apartment.

He checked the closets, the bathroom, underneath his bed. He ran around frantically, trying to remember which places Teddy always liked to hide when Alex was at work. He retraced his steps, then retraced them again, waving around a toyed filed with catnip and frantically calling Teddy's name. After about twenty minutes without finding a single hair, Alex moved on autopilot and rushed out knock on Jack's door.

He realized the error as soon as his fist left the wood, but knowing that it was too late to back out. His heart sputtered in his chest as a figure opened the door, looking like Jack but lacking his smile and his energy. The younger man had dark bags underneath his eyes, his skin was paler than usual, and his eyes looked glazed- he looked as if all of the life had been drained out of him, but still he managed to force a smile.

"H-Hey, Alex. I'm really sorry that I -"

"It's okay, Jack. I have an emergency and I was wondering if you could help? I mean only if you feel up to it. I'm just really worried and I don't know what to do," Alex rambled, trying to make his words come out coherently.

"Of course," Jack said, though his words sounded forced. "What's up?"

"I can't find Teddy. I looked everywhere in my apartment but I accidentally left the door open and I think that he might have gotten away or something," Alex said, voice shaking with worry.

"Well he couldn't have gotten very far right? He has to be somewhere in the apartment," Jack reasoned, trying to calm Alex down, his eyebrows furrowed in concern, as he met Alex's worried gaze. Under normal circumstances, Alex would've stood there longer than usual, trying to find where the depths of those eyes really ended and began, but he felt as if time was starting to run out, his fear for the animal's safety overpowering any other thoughts right then.

"I just really hope so... Do you want to help me look for him?" Alex asked, feeling his tone sink from frantic to downright desperate.

"Sure, where should we start?" Jack asked, trying to sound chipper and enthusiastic, but his figure dropped with fatigue, and his voice was quiet, an anomaly to Alex who was so used to Jack's loud voice filling up the room. Something was wrong, it was blatantly obvious, but that would have to wait until they found Teddy.

Their search started at the top floor, where they went door to door, talking to the people considerate enough to answer. But as they progressed further down the hallway, the expanse of time between frantic knocking and the opening of the door starting to grow, the quiet growing bigger and bigger, until it burst like a helium filled balloon. As he stared at the gold stickers of apartment number four hundred, avoiding eye contact with the winded boy who stood hunched beside him, letting his words slip without a care.

"You know, I took the posters down yesterday," Alex confessed with a bittersweet smile, "I actually wanted to keep him, because even though he wrecks my stuff and steals my socks, he helps me feel like I'm... not completely on my own, you know?" With another thirty seconds of silence from the other side of the door, they moved to the next, Alex knocking as Jack stood by his side. "It's really ironic because I never even liked cats until he came along- and I fell in love with him right away. And right when I decide that I want him... I lose him." He felt tears threatening to fall, but refused to cry in front of Jack, and was focusing on holding them back when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Alex, it'll be okay. We'll find him. I know we will." And even though he was unsure of where he stood with Jack, all of his attention was pulled to the soft brush of Jack's thumb over his t-shirt, just barely grazing his skin.

He didn't say anything as they moved further down the hallway, knocking on each and every door as Alex stared holes into the grain of the wood, wondering if Jack was going to go back to ignoring him after all of this was over. None of it made sense to Alex. At first he had seemed to be interested, joking, laughing, possibly even flirting (Alex was really bad at picking up on that stuff), and now, he seemed detached and disinterested, his mind elsewhere.

The hours stretched on slowly in front of them as they progressed from floor to floor. They had no leads, no one had seen Teddy, in fact, most of them didn't even know Alex had a cat. Some of them didn't even know who Alex was. As the hours wore on and the search seemed to prove more hopeless, and Jack grew more tired, winded, and spacy than he was before, Alex was ready to give up.

Tired and hopeless, Jack and Alex arrived at their apartment doors, unsure of what to say to each other, when they both heard a loud meow. Alex's eyes widened and he rushed into his apartment, entirely sure that he wasn't hearing things.

The meowing was incessant and starting to drive him insane as he tore his apartment apart all over again, with Jack at his heels. He had overturned his mattress for the third time when Jack called him from the kitchen, his laugh filling up the room.

"Alex, Alex! Come here, oh my god, I found him!" he said, as loudly as he could muster, in between laughs.

Alex ran out the kitchen and found Jack doubled over next to an open cupboard near the stove where Teddy sat, observing them both smugly perched on top of a pile of socks and small objects. He rushed over to the cupboard, kneeling down and looking at the animal sternly.

"Teddy, I swear to God, if you ever scare me like that again I will feed you to the neighbor's dog, you demon!" he spat angrily as the cat jumped out onto the tiles, bringing a bundle of socks with him. Alex was picking up the mess as the cat sauntered over to his scratching post, sitting on top of it smugly, a gray sock hanging limply from his mouth like some sort of prize. Jack knelt down to help him and again their hands touched, but this time, Alex didn't bother to pull away, even though he really didn't know if Jack wanted anything to do with him.

Alex set the pile on top of the kitchen table and ran a hand through his hair. "He likes to steal my stuff, if that wasn't obvious," he said, exasperated as he gestured to the it. This made Jack smile as he took at seat at Alex's kitchen table, palms pressed flat against the tabletop, as the playful air faded and a serious look painted itself across Jack's features.

"Alex, I really wanted to tell you what's been going on with me lately," he said after an agonizing moment of silence. Alex simply nodded and moved to sit in the chair across from Jack. After they were both sitting, Jack continued. "Because I've been kind of jerk these past few weeks and you really deserve an explanation. Anyway, do you remember how I said that I had a lot of thyroid problems when I was a kid?" Alex just nodded, listening intently. "Well I have to take medication for it, to keep my hormones balanced and whatnot. Lately I've been really dizzy, really tired and sore, and my heart was beating like crazy nonstop. I went to the hospital to get checked and see if anything was wrong, and it turns out they just needed to adjust my medication. And even though I should've been fine, I was still feeling pretty sick, which the doctors said was probably going to happen since my body needed to adjust to the drugs.

"But even though it wasn't that big of a deal, it just reminded me when I was a kid and how I never had many friends because no one ever wants to be with someone who's sick constantly. It was really lonely, as you can probably imagine, so I ended up living in my head a lot, making up stories, spending my time reading or losing myself in daydreams, distancing myself from the real world as much as I could because if I didn't... I would've had to look at an uncomfortable hospital bed that I slept in more than my own, the full playground full of kids, running, playing and having fun without me- being normal. I did what I had to do to make up for the childhood I never got to have and I just... Recently I've been living inside of my head again, Alex, because I'm scared, of so many things. And then you came along, with your sensibility and your kindness, and your... melt-worthy smile and I got scared," Jack played with his hands as he spoke, smiling slightly as he admitted his fears. And Alex felt a pang inside of him because he knew how it felt and he recognized that crippling fear as the thing that had such a tight hold on him.

"I've never been in that position before- my childhood was perfectly normal. But what came after just wasn't. When I got out of high school, I was so ready to jump into life and to make my own path and be on my own, but I didn't know that growing up hurts sometimes. And not only did I lose my friends, my ambition, my happiness- I lost the way that I saw the world. Everything used to be so full of life and magic, but suddenly it was gray and so was I. And to get through it, I lived inside my head, too. I pushed everything out except my routines and I stuck to them in the hopes that I would just go numb. So I know how it feels all too well," Alex replied.

Alex looked up and met Jack's gaze, "And I also know, that you have nothing to be afraid of," it was soft, but still managed to speak volumes.

"You know I... I've never told that to anyone, not even my parents, not even my cat," Jack admitted, making Alex laugh.

"You told me! Now I know all of your dirty secrets," Alex teased, setting his chin down on his hands, as Jack's face turned red and he looked away and chuckled.

"Not nearly all of them, however," he joked as he turned his grin back on Alex, the power of it blinding, worse than the sun, making Alex's stomach jump.

"I'd like to, though," Alex said sincerely as he looked up at Jack through the veil of his bangs that were hanging low over his forehead. It was in that moment, that small, meaningful, moment that he felt that rush- the jolt of air being caught in his lungs; the feeling of his heart beating rapidly, crazily; the dark eyes looking into his own, their depths unreachable, unknown, endless. He was so aware of it all, every little detail being felt and taken in. This was a rush, an awareness, that was familiar to him, but it had been so long since he had felt it.

Little did he know, it was exactly what he needed.

Eventually they ended up on Alex's couch, sitting a comfortable distance apart, space that was still so far too much in his opinion. But he could survive, because Jack was curled up in one the quilts the older man had gotten from his mother for Christmas, filling up the space with enough words to make up for the time he had disappeared.

"So, I probably would've been over here a lot sooner but I actually ended up going to the hospital again," Jack said casually, as he twined his fingers through the fabric of the blanket he had stolen off the back of the couch. Alex's eyes widened and his eyebrows furrowed at the nonchalance of the statement, making Jack laugh. "My medicine was just starting to work and everything when I started to get sick again, which didn't make any sense to me because it had been working before. I actually had scheduled a doctor's appointment for Wednesday but I ended up passing out and my friend noticed I wasn't at any of my classes so she came to check on me and brought me to the hospital. It turns out that I'd mixed up my medication with some protein pills or something... Yeah, my medicine cabinet is about as organized as my apartment," he said, smiling ruefully. Alex just grinned and ran a hand along his scruffy chin, wondering what exactly he was getting into as he slowly slid his hand along the fabric of the cushions.

"You sure are something, aren't you Jack?" Alex said with a sly smile, his hand spanning almost half the distance then.

"Nah, not really," he said with a lazy smile, as Alex continued to move his hand closer, the younger man totally unaware.

"Hey, Jack?" Alex asked, his skin inches away from Jack's, his heart in his throat.

"Y-Yeah?" he asked, his words catching as Alex slowly brushed his fingertips over his knuckles, the older man's hand sliding under his own. There was the briefest second where there was no movement, and Alex almost thought that Jack was going to pull away again.

Then he felt a shifting, a warm handing moving above his, fingers slotting together, and finding perfect places wrapped in between each other.

"You're wrong," Alex said softly as to not break the quiet that was building comfortably between them.

They stayed silent for a while, the only sound Teddy's meowing in the background as he tore apart the cloth with his teeth and watched them with disinterested eyes, and the rapid beating of Alex's heart that he swore that Jack could hear.

"I'm really sorry for going AWOL for the past few weeks," Jack said finally, after a few moments of being caught up in his head. "I really hope that you forgive me, I just needed to have some time to sort my thoughts and get back to reality."

"You really don't have to apologize for that, Jack. Sure, I was really disappointed at first, but only because I really look forward to seeing you every day. It's okay though, Teddy and I had some guy time," he teased.

"You look forward to it? But why? I'm just me," Jack retorted, smiling a wide, oblivious smile.

"Yeah well you may just be, but you're also funny, kind, and incredibly sweet. I would've never had any idea how to take care of Teddy without your help. Jack, I thought that he was dying the first time he had a hairball, imagine how I would've reacted if something serious actually had happened. You've helped me a lot, and I really don't know if I can thank you enough," Alex rambled, feeling his face heat up as Jack watched him carefully.

"Well, you can repay me by going out with me," Jack said smoothly, as Alex swatted him on the shoulder.

"You know what, I think I need to consult the man of the house first," Alex said slyly, a huge grin on his face as he leaned over to face his cat who was now watching them lazily, biting huge holes in Alex's sock. "What do you say, Ted, do you think we should keep him?" Alex asked, to which Teddy meowed loudly in response.

"Well, the man has spoken, Jack, and I think we'll keep you for a while," Alex said, grinning so wide he felt like his face was all teeth, the wide grin reaching farther than just his lips.

"Whew, that's a relief. It would've been really awkward if you had said no and I still had to bring you your mail," Jack joked, as he pretended to yawn and stretched his arms so one of them slipped around Alex's shoulders.

Alex snorted at the ridiculous gesture. "How could I say 'no' when you're like the epitome of charming? Also- you think I have a melt-worthy smile?" Alex asked, grinning up at Jack teasingly.

"Like ice-cream on a black top on the hottest day in July," Jack said as he lightly stroked Alex's shoulder and the older boy blushed furiously.

Meanwhile, Teddy had gotten tired of not being the center of attention and hopped off of his perch on top of the scratching post, sauntering over to the couch and jumping up into Jack's lap where he walked in a few circles before finally settling there, claiming his spot and cementing Jack to his place on the couch.

"Well, it appears Teddy has welcomed you into the family," Alex said as he ran his fingertips over the lines on Jack's palm.

"It also appears that I am now stuck here. Now I can never leave," he said cheekily, looking over at Alex, whose stomach erupted with the flight of a million tiny butterflies. "It's okay, I don't mind."

And Alex didn't mind either.

Not one bit.

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this four years ago for a class project in high school. Yes, I wrote fanfiction and handed it in as a serious, honest-to-God English assignment. I got an A though. So, I’m counting that as a success!
> 
> This has been edited pretty thoroughly many times since then, but I still really do like the plot and these goofy, awkward boys. I like to think my style has improved considerably since, though I’m definitely still as long winded as ever lol. Anyways, enjoy! :)


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